After thinking it over, I have adopted the friends only policy for this journal as well.
I loved writing here, but now I pretty much do everything I would have done here through Google Plus.
So, now I think I will try to focus on my main livejournal and write whatever content I would have written here over there.
I'm going to try to add you all over there, if you're interested in returning the add.
I do write more private things there about my personal life, including drama, so if you're not interested in that I understand. I always did try to come here in a different way... but like I said, I'll try to continue that, but just in my main and paid account over at:
I believed things happen for a reason.
Maybe this is something I say to myself to get me through rough times. It is very possibly utter rubbish, but I remain with this idea even after knowing it’s an invisible concept that can never be proved outside of our own connecting of events. I need to believe in this thought, at least from time to time, for my sanity (or lack thereof).
I’m also very fond of the expressions that say things along the lines of: you never know how tough you are, or what you are capable of, until you’re challenged enough to find it. This I regard as truth, and provable in better ways than the above statement. Sadly, I have to remind myself, we will have to break things along the way and make mistakes to see how far we can be campaigned.
I am beginning to get a hint as to why I think my world has been so dire as of recently. I’m thinking I’ve been far too cynical about the human race. I think I’ve been pressed so much to see that the natives of this world can be generous and supportive (and of absolute strangers), which is contrary to one of my deep rooted beliefs that people focus on things that benefit them. Now while I can still pin-point how charitable actions can benefit that person, I will not linger on those ideas this time around… not that I figure self sustaining processes to be negative in any way.
I am learning from my experiences.
This, to me, is the absolute point of anything (yes, I pretty much treasure knowledge over any other unseeable force we consider worthy of obtaining)…
And when I was feeling bitter towards this world, I was shown reasons to not feel so.
I don’t remember completely what my point of this writing was, I’ve digressed a bit it seems.
I just wanted to say I feel incredibly grateful and my heart has been warmed. The world has presented itself to me in a way I’d never witnessed it before, well not directly at least. It’s been a very clear sign to me that maybe the world is not as predictable as I had previously assumed… and that when things seem to be only getting worse that somewhere, somehow, the world has mercy on me when I need it most.
Not to forget to mention: I have been repeatedly demonstrated to how incredible a friend I have in Arsh, not that this concept ever needed reaffirming! I’m just so humbled to be witness to such an awe-inspiring person.
Thank you, everyone, who have had influences in my life rather directly or indirectly.
For those who gave my family a moment of your time, those who thought of us and wished us well, and those people who gave us some of the support we desperately needed in this time of our lives: THANK YOU.
I hope that the your generosity is returned to you three-fold and that you and yours have a very joyous holiday season.
(Cross-posted from deviantART)
I’ve been challenging myself to write an erotica story. It’s the type of story I pretty much would never see myself writing, which is why it is a intense challenge to take. It is a challenge I might fail, but this makes it something (vaguely) rewarding if I succeed in it.
It has me doing some research, between reading other erotica and reading up some interesting articles on the science of arousal and the act of intercourse. I’m learning some new things, which makes this challenge, even if I fail miserable, worth it. I love learning new things…
The first thing I have learned is that most erotica just annoys me. This was to be expected, really, as just the public acts of affection make me uncomfortable (and anytime they’re shown on the television). I’m not a big fan of love stories, and I always think that once the people have fallen in love and all obstacles are removed it becomes dull and uninteresting to me. I get more enjoyment out of the tragedy of two loves never crossing the path correctly… or out of a sexual tension that never gets resolved. Reading a story about a happy and docile love life is just not very appealing… Then again, most of these erotica don’t even remain within these sentiments, the majority of the ones I’ve (tried) to read are these random people getting it on with strangers or with co-workers, then walking away without any bonds to bring them back to that lover. I’m okay with people who keep no real emotional connection with sex… I am not bothered by casual sex, I actually personally struggle with trying to understand this thought of ownership over another person’s body and what they chose to do with it… However, these stories I’m reading are not presenting any real entertainment to me whatsoever, so I wonder, what is the point?
I thought erotica was suppose to be able to create some type of magic with words that would then reflect in the body of the reader (at least to a small degree). I thought they were meant to arouse. That concept is why I think I want to do this, a test of my writing ability to bring others to feel something you want them to feel.
I desire to make magick.
Maybe I have approached this all to analytically, but I am learning what does and doesn’t evoke a response in me when it comes to the English language and how is it used… for instance, vulgar language doesn’t do anything but peeve me and remove any emotional involvement I might have gathered throughout the progression of the story.
Now, I wonder, why does vulgar language turn me off so? Is it some learned dislike of the obscenity? It has seriously got me questioning this dislike I have for the “indecent”. I’m not opposed to these conception in thought alone, but when presented with it I cringe away. Like I might think myself some prim and proper woman, and that these things are offensive. I find myself frowning upon people who are open and active in sexual encounters, but at the same time I feel that this is something that shouldn’t be judged in such a fashion. What is this part of me who is against these things, and why? And how could I assume myself better for denying the biological reality of human genes? (I’ll get to the scientific delicacies soon, they are the most interesting things I learned in this research I’ve been doing) I just need to understand where this repulsion is coming from. I want to know why I don’t mind the theories when I think about it, but dislike the process when presented outside of this head.
I seriously feel incredibly brain washed by something… maybe the society’s old fashion sense of forbidden. How come my logic says one thing and my emotional reaction is contradicting? The fuck. I hate, hate, hate these battles in my head. I get tired of it… Please tell me how ANYONE can see the world in black and white? I can’t even practice anything close to believing something without some insane list of exceptions.
Ah, any ways… I wanted to tell you some of the interesting things I have read lately about the science of your body and sex.
Let me start with the idea that our body is programmed against monogamy. In fact one article made the statement that: “True monogamy is a ticket to extinction as far as your genes are concerned”.
I was incredibly interested to read about this “sexual satiation (post-orgasm) hangover”. How they have shown that after orgasm your dopamine drops and your prolactin increases (which supressed dopamine)… Um, okay, let me just kind of explain it without the details that would bored people other than myself. Basically your body experiences a crash after your high, and gives you a bit of a mood swing for one to two weeks after orgasm. Then typically you’re dopamine (this is the reward/thrill chemical) response to later sexual encounters with this person can become lessened, meaning you could, possibly, lose interest or feel less excitement from your sexual encounters with this one person (Your bonding to a person is through oxytocin, so it hasn’t much to do with this here). It’s actually more complex than just dopamine, but you can read up for that yourself… However, I wanted to relay that the neurochemical study suggest that your body is trying to sway you away from your monogamy by making your experience less enjoyable through time, and the down time between intercourse prone to mood swings. This is your body telling you to get it on with someone else to get your genes out there in a variety of ways…
Nice to know your body is working against your marriage, eh?
Also I came across an article from 2007 (I need to find if any more research was done since then) that suggest that the link to sensation in your vagina is not through the spinal cord, but instead through the vagus nerve (they were saying they didn’t know for sure if this nerve reached the pelvic region in humans, though in 1990 they found it does in rats). This could be why some woman who had complete spinal cord injuries could report feeling their unborn baby moving, or the sensations of orgasm.
I thought that was an incredible thing to hear about…
Maybe it was just me who found that titbit interesting?
These little articles on dopamine itself are entertaining. It’s a very interesting mix of positive and negative side-effects to this thing… I can totally see how we have such strange lives, looking at what dopamine, or lack of it, does to us… And it add a new spin on how I see addictions.
I am forever fascinated with the human brain and it’s complexities…
Alright, so, I will leave on a
question series of questions: Why does society have curious views on sexually active people? Why would it be that even though there is science to support the usefulness of getting around, people are still disturbed by the people who can? I’m not talking about those who do not practice safe sex, who risk potential diseases from their adventures, but even then… If they are willing to risk this, who are we to say shite about it? Why would it be shameful to be promiscuous? In fact, isn’t it what our bodies are wanting to do? These sexual drives are not fully in own control (yes, that means even homosexuality is an involuntary reaction within the brain, much like breathing).
Oh, hey, I just realised a downside to all my research: I have a new frustration for anyone who judges people based on what sexually excites them… I mean, it bothered me before, but now I’m just… People need to leave people be. End of story. Focus on your own life and stop judging others unless they are hurting you in a real (direct or indirect) manner.
[No real connection, STILL, so no tagging now. One day, one day I will have internet again! I must!]
I was looking through my RSS feed again, as sometimes I do when I can’t get online (I have a backlog of unread articles, close to a thousand, that just get added to every time I get online and download the updates… most of them I will never read, they’re just there for when I have the urge to).
In the last week The Guardian’s Science: Archaeology feed had to interesting topics, raising the canon out of Blackbeard’s ship and the decay of Pompeii…
I wanted to take a moment to talk about Pompeii… and not about what it is or how very interested I am in it, but more the idea that life can be snuffed so quickly and lacking advance warnings.
How incredible these natural disasters are… (and we are not immune even now, are we?). it makes me wonder about facing something like this. Is it panic until the very second you’re taken, or is there a shift to serenity or desire for the end? Did it become clear that this was the right moment? Did you really know this was the end from the beginning of time?
The idea that your life flashes before your eyes: does it? Or is it just something that some people experience when they approach something that they are fated to survive?
What would it had felt like to be under a rain of ash and fire? To see your society being destroyed before your eyes.
Is it a different experience if you die alone than with others?
It makes me remember: life can be such a fleeting thing… as it is I’m watching my babes grow before me at such a rate it doesn’t seem natural. My littlest demon will be two next month. Doesn’t ever seem like that, does it?
Funny how when we look forward towards something in time it seems so distant, but looking back it’s been processed into this compact series of main events, emotions, and overall notions. Of course, we could unravel those memories, but only a few at a time. It seems that things might only feel far away only when we’ve forgotten most of it, when there becomes more fog around the edges.
If you died tomorrow, suddenly, could you be at peace to know you were doing everything in your power to reach the destination or dream you yearned for? If not, why? What’s holding you back?
I think we should keep the balance between living as if we’d die tomorrow, and planning and keeping hold of responsiblities as if we’re be alive for 100 more years.
I have this image that rotates on as my desktop that says the following:
You are 1 person – out of 7 billion people
On 1 planet – out of 8 planets
In 1 starsystem – out of 100 billion starsystems
In 1 galaxy – out of 100 billion galaxies
and you are enormously insignificant.
How amazing it really is, that we are surrounded by 7 billion people who are the centres of their own universes, that have their own realities, their own motives and histories… and they have their own family trees and billions of people long since gone from this mortal coil that led to their existence… It’s this unfathomable amount, isn’t it?
Currently there is around 7 billion different paths that have been taken at this very moment. Not a single one will be entirely similar, ever.
You know, when I actually see the image, and why I keep it as a part of my desktop collection, is it reminds me that this existence we have is entirely incredible. We are such near-sighted things, are we? I mean, there is nothing wrong with this, but it’s just something to acknowledge. We really have no clue…
And more importantly, 7 billion people out there, how could we ever bother to compare ourselves? How would we ever find a ‘norm’ just in our country, let alone the world?
7 billion threads of fate weaving together…
7 billion potentials…
7 billion breathing bodies…
Seven billion people, yet we entertain the ideas that we are alone or that we are failures…
I, personally, think we are the star players of this 7 billion participant game.
It’s all here in our heads…
Our weaknesses, our strengths, our desires and our fears.
Those others only mean as much as you allow them to…
We are unparalleled, incomparable…
We are enormously important.
And I dare say, at the end of the day, the only thing that is truly and forever important in our lives.
At some point you have to live for yourself,
Because, frankly, you cannot make 7 billion people happy/pleased/proud.
If I could change anything in my life at this very moment it would be my motivation.
Problem is, I don’t even know how to start. I get times when I’m good about it, I work towards getting everything/a lot done… but then I just fall back into these long extended periods where I procrastinate or avoid doing things outside of the day-to-day dribble. I could have taken the car out and done something locally today with the girls, but I just never got around to doing anything. I just, I would rather not… but then in feeling this way, not much gets done. I mean, the girls are taken care of, I do my daily planned things (this challenge and the 5 Minute Sketch, cleaning of the house), but I never get much out of my little cave.
I wonder if I just don’t see other things as priority or something? I mean, I really need to figure this out… I’m so-so with driving, especially in the daytime, but I could manage, I always do, so why do I avert from it?! I know I like doing things, once I get out there and do them… but I still, I never get motivated enough to get my shoes on, the girls dressed, and actually GO. I entertain the thought for a minute or so, then just get distracted by other things.
I’m bad about this, though, constantly. I just never get up and do thing, unless I get some passion or I just have no other choice (but I know I’d tried to avoid it, or excuse myself, if possible). I don’t get it. I want to be one of those non-stop on the move, getting shite taken care of, taking over the world kind of persons, but I’m not. I just seem to be lazy. I could, without much regret, spent weeks inside this apartment. I have before. I just… WHAT THE FUCK!?
I knew a woman I worked with who I swear was doing something from the moment she woke up (which was damn early), to the moment her head hit the pillow. I admired that, though I fear I’d burn out on something like that… but is this fear helping me at all? I mean, really?
I feel like I’m turning into my mum… and while I love my mum, I don’t want to be her.
How does one become a motivated person?
The past is done, yet it lingers in us every day. It causes us to make our decisions, treat people a certain way, helps us interrupt how we see the world, or embeds in us how we feel about everything from little to large. It’s hard to filter out some of the impact, even after the memory has fled our most aware states. It is, in fact, how we became who we are today.
I want to take a moment and question at what point might we let go of the negative that corrupted us? Can you find the moments that conditioned you? Can you see those memories clearly for what they were when they happen, or are they eroded in time to be something more or something less? What can truly be learned from these events in our lives? Are they doomed to be repeated, or was there a common factor? How did we let these things infect us? If these incidents accorded in our life now would we treat them the same?
Why do we hang on to those thing that broke us? Why do we cling to defeat or pain?
At some point we need to forgive and move on. At some point we have to let go the detrimental.
Naturally there is good in having our experience shape our lives. We learn from mistakes and when encountering something again that could be harmful we will try to avoid it or are far more cautious. Completely natural. We are learning to identify dangers… However, are we misaligning things based on old information? Are these things still valid in our lives? Are we benefiting from these feelings, or are we being limited and boxed in? At what point will we let the negative stop winning over us? When will we live for now and not for the past? Can we ever truly reset our minds?
We’re such fragile creatures. Sometimes it’s a simple thing that brings us down, or lifts us up above the rest. We’re affected by the outside world in so many ways; we’re under ceaseless bombardment and sometimes even our sleep is interrupted by this. It’s easy to not notice how things start to tip us a certain way, or how we respond to something in a way that had nothing to do with the current situation. We get defensive over certain things, even when there was nothing negative aimed towards us.
We already picked our sides, a long time ago… and some of us never move from our ideas, because we’d deemed them right and proper (so why would we change them?).
Challenging your reality, adjusting your mind, they are such daunting task because sometimes we can’t see the true scope, or see the end piece. It’s a on-going battle, in a sense, and not many people are willing to try it. Why is this?
I had a friend (who cannot read this, nanananana batman, batman… *ahem*), who will feverishly tell you his life is a sham and his future as well. He will say that he is the creature of exterior circumstances (though in far more crude words)… He does not consider himself the thing that need to change, but it is the world that needs a make over. Can this even begin to make sense? How many others truly believe things like this? We could all sit here and clear fault, but that will never get anything altered. If we rely on the outside world to bring about our happiness, well, frankly, we’ll never see it.
I think, sometimes, the idea is that even if we’re sick, lost, hurt, depressed, unmotivated, or lonely, that we still can somehow cling to the thought there is nothing wrong with us (but maybe we pass the blame)… so, if it’s not broken, why fix it?
I’m here to say I’m not broken, either (yet), but I’m still a prototype, and there is much more to be improved on.
It’s sad how much of myself can hinge on a single thing: having internet.
I will not say I am quite depressed yet, but I do feel on the verge now that I can’t poke about with my friends it as much as I used to. This bothers me, because I should never need the outside influence of other people and things to sustain my emotional well being… yet, here I find myself slowly losing motivation to care about doing anything. I’m entering into the territory where I care to do nothing because I can’t see myself enjoying it.
I only really mention this so I have, in a sense, confronted this issue at hand.
It’s really a battle sometimes. Right now things have hit a low at home, again, and then the lack of internet on top of it makes nothing better. I’m hoping I can keep trekking without giving up, emotionally. I need to keep reminding myself to make the best out of everything, because it could be worse.
I ought to approach it as less things means less complications. I’ve lived worse before, without internet or food in the house. I made it through. I can do this, again. I just… I don’t want to.
I’ve been reading more through the book: Power Of The Subconscious Mind (sorry, too lazy to find the author at the moment… yes, really a first world problem here: can’t be arsed to walk in the kitchen and pick up the nook to see). It’s an interesting thing, and I’ve been pulling from it off and on for well over a year… Yes, in saying that I mean I haven’t finished reading it yet. There is something epic about it, but at the same time a little daunting…
It has me thinking, though, I need to figure out why I am falling into the same thinking of: I can’t do this, this cannot be accomplished… I need to figure out, and change without fighting, the issues that keep me where I am.
I think I’m stalling. I think I’m not ready to fight some of these demons I have, some of these stubborn things I just do not want to change. However, if I keep sitting here like this, nothing will change… nothing has change simply because I’m not moving. Mind you, I suppose I cannot shoulder all the blame, but a part of me says I am the entirely of it… I mean, when do I stop trying to shift the blame and man up to my own life?
It’s actually bothering me to think of it that way, so I think I will digress now in order to ignore depressive/negative thoughts. Yes, this is my technique in life… Things seem wrong, hard, or depressing: ignore and escape into daydreaming or distractions until problem disappears, you go insane, or things get too bad to dismiss (which hasn’t happened much if at all). It worked for me this long… ::nervous look::
I have tried to step forward and get my Etsy shop up again. I’ve posted some of my better jewellery pieces from the expired graveyard (so it was way easier than starting from scratch and hoping that images upload), in hopes to sell them. I keep saying I can’t because I have little access to internet and that in order to ship it I have to wait for the paypal transfer to actually afford the shipping… but you know what, the more I give into these excuses the more I am giving up. I think I will work on this, though. If I can get a few items sold, then I can help this situation out… and maybe work towards getting into a better position which could include me getting a broadband connection and selling MORE jewellery. I would not mind this idea, not one bit. I miss making jewellery (but I stopped as I now have over 100 pieces and don’t sell them nearly as fast as I make them).
And, you know what, I think I might use some of the visualizing techniques from the book to ‘draw’ a buyer or two in. I mean, honestly, what could it hurt (well, besides me getting discouraged if nothing gets sold… but I have to fight disbelief!).
Here is a link to my shop: Coffinkittie's Shop: Etsy. Please ignore the sad default name for now, not feeling creative/motivated/good right now.
You know, I was really a little down about writing today. The connection I’ve been using for the last month is now gone, so I haven’t anything even near reliable, which bothers me. I’ve used this little laptop to communicate with the world, to sate my curiosity, and to be inspired. However, now I am back to more self containment. This doesn’t make me much of a happy girl… mind you, I’ll adapt and find something to use my time towards, and maybe it will improve my NaNoWriMo chances for next month as well.
After all, was I not just complaining there was not enough hours in the day? I better be mindful the things I wish for, because now most of the things I spend my time on are not an option, are they? So now, now I have more time.
This is a complete train derailing of what I wanted to talk about, now, but I must make some wishes just in case that listener is still lingering about me!
I wish for enough money to pay bills, eat well, and to indulge myself from time to time on worldly possessions!
I wish to be moving forward in one of my dream careers: writing, art, or both!
I wish to provide a healthy, imaginative, and brain building environment for my girls!
I wish I had the power of psychokinesis… (:
I would fancy them all, but one or two could be ace for starters. :3
Oh, I totally digressed, my apologies.
I was saying I haven’t felt inspired for a proper post where I might challenge my way or thinking, bring up a
brilliant lukewarm thought, or address something to further make me an outsider….
So, instead, I came across this article in my RSS feed on my offline email viewer: Cosmic Log: Phone Tracking Tech To Reward Walking/Biking (I hope this link is correct, I can’t validate that it is, sadly). I thought I might share it with you.
The article is about a smartphone app for Londoners that rewards them points for walking or biking to their destinations. These points can then be redeemed at McDonald’s, Macy’s, or other places for discounts.
I thought this was such an amazing idea! I mean, they’ll be helping the environment (and reducing public transit nightmares) and being rewarded in several ways (health AND discounts)… and if anyone is like me, sometimes it takes a little more incentive for me to do something, even if it’s environmentally friendly (I know, I know, I’m horrible!).
I would love to see this jump to be universal… and ultimately, I suppose, that I have a smartphone, huh?
I( wish I had a niffy new phone with all the kick ass apps, and the ability to pay it without fret!)
Ah, I just might end up writing out all my desires tomorrow, as I know they are a lot… Might focus on aligning them in order and seeing what truly is wanted and how I should change my approach to get to it… Potential idea… or not. I’ll figure that out tomorrow.
Until then, everyone have a beautiful night.
The internet has been an amazing tool for me. While I know I can function without it, I would rather not, honestly (even though it’s coming to that, sadly).
When Google+ opened up to beta I convinced someone to send me an invite. Shortly after this invitation (from the amazing Gina) I fell in love with the platform and have since made it my first stop when I connect online (while I open and wait for my email to download). While it started off slow, it’s getting better (at least among my Circles).
I thought I would do my own review of sorts, and explain what it is that I like about this new social network.
The biggest draw to the Google+ network is what they call Circles. Circle are basically the groupings you put all your friends into, based on however you want to sort them (an example of my Circles are: cult followers, acquaintances, connecting through friends). Yes, Facebook (hence forth referred to as: Failbook) has groups in which you can put people in and modify your privacy and posting to include only who you want, as well, but it’s not as user friendly by far… and until most recently (when the pressure of Google+ weighed on them) you could not opt to post publicly without setting your entire wall to public (or filtering every single post you don’t want to be seen by anyone and their mum), as well as posting to extended circles (which means your friend’s friend can see your post, but not the entire public).
You can have people subscribe to see your public posting, but not have to friend them back.
This has opened me up to allowing myself to friend whoever I want, strangers included, without fear that they will have access to sensitive information like, for one thing, knowledge and pictures of my children I might share to my good friends and family.
Another thing that is entirely handy is the ability to see your notifications in a drop-down window. Unlike Failbook, who just gives you a link to the message that was replied you, Google+ shows you the entire thread, within the side drop-down menu, with just a click on the button. Once in that mode you can just hit the next or previous button to see the threads of the other notifications, all without disturbing the other things you are working on or reading in the main window.
If drop-down boxes annoy you, and you’d rather see everything on the main window, then there is a Stream that is just all your notifications (or, actually, can be adjusted to see your notifications how you like from the tool menu of the Stream). For me, this means I can easily see and reply to notifications without losing something in the process of clicking dozens of links to each individual status or photo that was commented on.
Something else about Google+, that I have noticed among my Circles, is that the people here approached the new social networking platform differently than Failbook. No one is whining about work or school unless it’s humorous. It’s seems to be so much more a positive environment. They are constructive, creative, and entirely amusing. This approach might be why I find the engaging there to be so much more entertaining than Failbook.
Maybe it’s because most of the active users are geekish. The majority of my friends there have been there since it was in beta, and quickly fell in love with it like I did. They’re all of the older persuasion. I haven’t meet minors yet, but I think (but don’t trust me on this) you have to be 18 or older to use it.
Oh, yes, another thing, they have Games, but because they don’t flood your stream with stupid notifications or request you might not even realise it (I totally forget about it, honestly, but I hardly have time or connection for games).
A new and amazing addition is #hashtags and the search bar. You want to find something, anything, from months ago? Just look it up in the search bar, and it’s easily found. Failbook, unless recently updated, hasn’t a way to go back and find something on your profile from July.
You see a post pertaining to something going on throughout the communities, like #Shoesday or #FloralFriday, you can click the hashtag within the status and be linked to the search and all other things tagged the same. Fairly simple, and 100x amazing… it was something we beta testers asked for, and Google+ gave us.
Yes, that is also something astonishing: They listen to their users.
They have a super feedback system. Those issues brought up the most through the feedback channel (a simple click on the fixed bottom) are addressed in order of demand. Within the first few months we watched them do amazing changes. We asked, they responded.
We wanted a number on the browser tab to notify us of notifications: done.
We wanted a fixed (stays in place) top bar: done.
We wanted to be able to have the screen stop scrolling away when we’re writing a reply and something else was posted: done.
We wanted a way to arrange Circles to suit our taste: done.
We wanted a way to close comment threads: done.
We wanted hashtags: done.
We wanted games (but not for it to spam our stream): done.
We wanted to search posts: done.
We wanted to be able to block or ignore people: done.
These are just to name a few… and I think there will be more to come. :)
The only draw back I had is a lot of my friends are not there yet, or willing to make a switch. Some of them got profile, were active on and off, then went back to Facebook.
Ah, though the people on Google+ keep me busy enough as it is! They are incredible there. The threads are just… wow… I will post the same thing on both networks and watch them grow (or die) in unique ways… and I will say, not once did Failbook out do Google+ for me. Not once.
So, this is some of the reasons I’m favouring Google+.
(Look me up: +Abi Grey)
Sometimes it’s just far too easy to complain about something, but then do nothing to change it. Don’t lie, you’ve fallen victim to it, as well, haven’t you?
It’s so hard sometimes to find that motivation (rather just being lazy, not noticing there are options, getting comfortable in something, or straight out depression) to step up and take my life in my hands. I’ve always been the type to sit back quietly (or not so quietly, depending) and let things occur around me, but at what cost have I done this? What is a better question, yet, is when will I change this?
I suppose a part of me will always be a passenger, no matter what. I question this, though. Will being a passenger be a way of settling? Would I end up harming myself? Will I miss out on opportunities? Will I even care if I did miss something? Is ignorance bliss? It’s not like I will always notice the things that happen beyond my scope or comfort zone.
When will I stop calculating risk over reward? When will I stop making excuses to stay and do as I have always done?
I notice that when it comes to certain things I’ve very eager to say I can’t risk something or do something because of my children. Yes, my children should be high priority, the priority, but am I using it as an exculpation too often? I want to ensure them the best I can give, but am I failing to live my own life at the same time?
Do you know how many time we’ve considered going back to Florida? I keep saying we can’t, we shouldn’t, we have a place and sometimes work here. I keep trying to logically explain why we can’t leave, that we’re not prepared to go, but would we ever be ready? The trouble is, we pretty much hate this state. We want to go home….
But I drag my feet. I say it’s not a venture we should take, that we’d fail right now…that the economy is bad… but if you go into something thinking that to begin with, of course you will have some issues. If I’m against it, even just a little in the back of my head, how could I see anything without tainting it?
Is the reason I am not willing to go back to Florida because I would have to actually work hard? Am I too comfortable here, with my dull day to day, not having to stress about the whole idea of starting over?
How can I stay here and complain if I am not willing to change it?! How does this even make sense. Either I need to shut the fuck up, stop giving into these rationalisations and “circumstances”, or actively work towards changing it.
It’s extra negativity in my life, and it needs to shift or leave… because these stresses do nothing but make me mentally and physically sick.
However, again, how hard it is to fall back into that blatant complaining.
I need to leave myself notes or something, to keep this idea in mind.
If you don’t like it, fix it.
If you can’t fix it, accept it.
If you can’t accept it, beat it with a stick…
Okay, not the last bit… but, yeah.
I’m not actually trying to be hard on myself, a part of me is trying to approach this as if I were my own friend. I need to just remember that complaining about things doesn’t do anything but unburden myself temporarily.
I’m actually proud of myself. I know these are small accomplishment, but it’s the moving forward with changing my life that matters to me and makes me feel better.
I was complaining about not having a lot of friends, so I aimed to change that a few months back. I even joined a dating site in hopes to find local people to hang out with. While the dating site ended up being a bust, I have been able to find it friends through other attempts. Google+ has been amazing. I met and friended quite a few people: Gabe, Justin, Jenna, Anna, Shauna, Adam, and Anna S., with so many other people coming into the picture constantly. I even ended up connecting better with Christy and Arsh through that platform as well... I should note of some of the people I met on Google+ I don’t talk to that much, and there are many more people who I am friendly with but haven’t connected as well with.
I probably spend so much time there because I have made so many friends there. It’s… it’s pretty wicked, actually. I was going to do a whole post about why I like Google+ so much awhile back, but I never finish. I might have to pull that up and post it tomorrow.
I also met a friend through my ex, Rebecca, but on Facebook. She’s pretty awesome, but I must convince her to come over to the
Darkside Google+ as well, as I have to log into Facebook to chat with her.
Any ways, I actively decided to make this change. Yes, it took awhile, a few months actually, but now that I am out there trying it’s coming so much easier… and it’s scary. It’s honestly kind of daunting, because so many people seem to adore me (and I don’t ever see myself as a likeable person, really).
Also, I finally stopped complaining about my art without trying to change it. I still complain, but I am now working on it. I am doing a 5 minute sketch daily, which I figured, shite, I can spare five minutes everyday to draw… and it actually—I’m loving drawing again. I have produced things I’m proud of (I’m mean: really proud of!), and without all the horror of approaching it like I will make a masterpiece… It’s about practicing. I approach it as five minutes of taking a pencil to paper, while some things are not perfect, everything I’ve done so far has something in it I like. I’m gaining more confidence instead of ripping myself a part. I can draw, I just need to work on it. Nothing wrong with that, after all, the only one saying I ought to better is myself.
At least for the moment I haven’t stopped just because I felt I wasn’t worthy. Now I will MAKE myself worthy… or at least try to, and hopefully I will keep trying. (:
There is simply not enough hours in the day to satisfy my curiosity. Not to mention I am very easily distracted by so much out there that I can end up forgetting what I was looking into and start doing or looking into other things. (Must get something to make notes on my desktop to help remember these things. ::adds to her to-do list::) I don’t mind being so distracted, I find myself bored very little this way, but then I never get around to my original intent and have often even forgotten what it was.
Currently I have so many things I really want to invest looking into and doing, but I just end up piling on the list before I check them off.
My actual to-do list for today (which will probably rollover into tomorrow and the next and next and next day) looks like this:
What I want to do (in no order):
□ Email Brandon back (should have done already, I suck).
□ Look up post-it note gadget for desktop.
□ Play on Google+. (Did some this morning, but I am NEVER done with this. This IS my social life.)
□ Play with girls.
√ Write for Luridglow BEFORE 8pm, so I have free time after the girls go to bed.
□ Read friend list.
□ Email Arsh.
□ Write letters so that I can stamp them Friday (Kelly, Donna, Katie, Amanda, Serena… and more?).
□ Read (I’m currently attempting to read The Einstein Theory Of Relativity by Hendrik Antoon Lorentz, how much I might understand of it is happens to be very questionable).
□ Do research/reading for several topics (included to, but never actually limited to: lucid dreaming, physics, lie spotting, telekinesis, and improving my writing/grammar, the latter which I’ve been avoiding for TOO long).
√ Draw for my 5 Minute Sketch challenge that I started. (Yay! I did a Jack Sparrow that vaguely looks like him! See on Google+ or Facebook, if you’re interested, until I complete next on this list.)
□ Load the 5 Minute Sketches onto Photobucket so I can share via Coffinkittie on Livejournal.
□ Oh, shite, and I was suppose to burn some DVDs for John’s co-workers LAST WEEK. Oops. (O_O)
What I need to do (but not as enthusiast about):
□ Do dishes.
□ Clean living room.
□ Make dinner.
□ Give girls baths.
So, yes, I am not sure how much of this will get done, besides the needed things… I could only imagine what this would be if I had a full-time job (well, looking after the girls qualifies as a job, and full-time and then some).
I have very poor time management skills… well, like I started this out by saying, I am easily distracted.
I really need to learn to focus myself on the things to master instead of dabbling in so many things at once. However, I am very much the type who is eager to start something new but loses interest as soon as it becomes unchallenging, frustrating, limited, or too repetitive.
I always crave something fresh and new, which is why I probably have jumped to beta/alpha so much (Google+, Google Music, Pottermore, Bluestacks, Spotify, Sims Social, and the list goes on, really)… Out of that list of things, the only daily thing I look into now is Google+.
Ah, so, new things to my to-do list:
Learn to get things done and to focus on one thing at a time!
Prioritize (so damn hard, I want to do it all)!
And WRITE my intent down so I don’t forget!
A daily to-do list might be a brilliant idea. Well, besides the one I posted on Google+/Facebook daily, now, which is more a motivation thing than what I actually need/want to do.
Today it said:
Read (above noted book).
These to-do list will actually probably get my arse in gear a lot better than I was before I wrote it! So, as much as I would love to occupy here, I have things to do and it’s already getting late in the day (it’s 3:30pm right now, though I’ll probably post this in a few hours)!
And ABSOLUTELY unrelated random note: Kay-Kay keeps taking my face in her two hands and giving me open mouth kisses… I am disturbed, but she’s delighted and obsessive about it. (o.0)
No matter what I say, or how I try to fight it, I always fall back to caring how others see me. I get, fairly often, the feeling of being that annoying person everyone secretly tries to avoid.
I feel like Hyacinth Bucket (it’s pronounced Bû-kay), like from the BritCom Keeping Up Appearance.
If you’ve never seen it, she is this very eager and overly bearing type of person who assumes that everyone takes interest in her and the things she does. She is, in her mind, the most incredible, talented, moral, and proper person in the world (I’m not saying I think of myself like that, though), she’s got a big ego. Most of the show is about the other people trying very much to talk themselves of out situations she’s anticipated them enthusiastic to be a part of, or trying to avoid her like the plague. She’s the type of person who speaks to you as if you already agreed to do something for or with her, without actually asking.
I feel like people are just being polite… and that all the kind remarks are, in essence, just to appear mannerly.
I shouldn’t dwell on other’s opinions of me. They don’t have to affect me unless I let them… however, it’s hard.
I think a part of me is a people pleaser. This is outrageous, actually, because another part of me is the type who WANTS to be the opposition to the majority. There is, here, some dilemma.
I want to be a part of something, but I don’t want to either. How will I ever find my happy medium when I can’t even decide where I truly want to be aligned? Seriously, I want to be different, I want to challenge everything that tries to assimilate me… but so thirstily want to be a part of something, of like minds.
I want to be understood… to be validated and appreciated.
JT and I are a perfect match, we compliment each other and pick up where the other has weakness. We get along so well that it’s a little scary… saying this, he’s the extrovert to my introvert. While I feel, very much, a part of this family unit, I still feel outside as well, like they will never see the world as I do… These topics that I’ve been wandering about with on this journal are things I can only touch with him briefly. He’s not the type to sit down and talk philosophy, politics, religion, or anything that might contest the way you think.
I miss having these types of talks with people. I miss the hours of conversation with my friends who were very much into exploring ideas. I crave to be able to actively confront another train of thought.
As it is, I am left with only the option of typing my thoughts here, where I can’t even properly reply to my few replies (I’m sorry). It leaves me feeling… I don’t know, like I’m just flirting with the ideas and never truly diving deeper. It’s this idea without outside influence, so I’m starting to feel like I’m talking to a wall…
I guess I don’t mind, at least I’m releasing these things from their dark corners… but I feel unchallenged.
You could leave me alone in a room for probably a good amount of time, and I’d be okay, but I wouldn’t ever feel truly enlightened (unless by insanity).
I very much want to be enlightened.
I know I’m not alone… but I feel it.
What makes it worse is I sit here and wonder if it was my own issue with having to challenge everything that makes me suddenly feel that everyone is started to drift further from me.
I mean, my logic says I’m being moody today, and most of the lack of communication is simply because I’m not able to connect so well (having no phone, no reliable internet signal, or having friends locally).
However, I still cannot remove the negative thoughts from my head:
Everyone sees me as the outsider who tries to be intellectual, but is only sounding like an immature punk.
Everyone thinks you try too hard to be their contradiction or be controversial.
Everyone sees you as that annoying person who is far too desperately seeking attention.
Cynical side says:
It’s your fault.
You wanted to be the antagonist… What the fuck did you think it would feel like?
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
Please ignore me now as I go fight with myself over these issues in my head.
Would you believe me if I told you lying was good for you?
We have this integrated dislike of lying. We’re told from a very early age that lying is wrong, and this is echoed throughout our lives. We, ourselves, all have this disapproval of being lied to (well, more on that later). Who wants to have their reality tainted anymore than it is already? It’s hard enough to find the facts to begin with, or to battle the lies we tell ourselves. So, lying is acknowledged as a wrong by society… or is it?
The reality: we lie an incredible amount, and a lot of it is in acceptable ways… because while the mouths say that lying is wrong, inside we all have a grey area to this concept. This isn’t hard to imagine, though, as we developed deceitful skills from as early as infancy (well, they say a baby crying for attention is a form of deceit, I see it as a form of communication) and a lot of us end up mastering this skill when we get into adulthood.
You can sit here and debate with me that lying is wrong, and you only see it as wrong, but yet you use this skill to ease yourself in social situations that might be awkward, avoid confrontation, and to excuse yourself of short comings or mistakes.
Those little white lies are a culture credence. We use them to be more pleasant to others, from the fake smile, a returned wave, to the customary greetings. Every time we hide our emotions or tell someone we’re okay, when we’re not, we’re lying to them. These things we don’t view as dangerous. We deal out information on a need to know basis, and we’re okay with this. This is how our society functions.
And while we sit here and say we don’t like to be lied to, I’m pretty sure we’re a little mistaken to some degree. The reality is, some of these white lies affect us in positive ways, even if they are given out of dishonesty. Sometimes the truth is just ugly, and we can get so entirely agitated when we encounter it as we often rebel against it.
However, it’s not like we battle these white lies all the time, either. If it’s what we want to hear, even if we might sense some hesitation or discrepancy, we are very eager sometimes to take the lie and press no farther. Things like simple and traditional comments of encouragement, or compliments, we don’t always fight those (well, I have serious issues with compliments, but I will not sit here and say I’m mentally balanced either).
I should also note that those who are sincerely more truthful and open about things will be viewed, in general, in a negative light over time as being either too blunt, judgemental, anti-social, disturbed, or opposing. This reflects back on the idea that we don’t always like the truth, and so when we’re told the opinions of others it’s easy to take it personally as someone contesting you or criticising you.
According to some interesting research, lying can be positive to your mental health. There seems to be scientific evidence to suggest that depressive people are more honest to themself than their mentally well, non-depressive counterparts. Apparently these honest depressed people start to become more dishonest as they come out of their darkness.
I chuckle a little at this, even though this has some very deeper meaning, because I remember thinking that happy, cheerful people are just deluded… well, maybe they are.
Ignorance is bliss, right?
Ah, so, of course, I should probably mention I do respond that some lying is harmful and affect people in a negative way. I don’t want you thinking I’m conceiving that ALL lying is benefitting to both parties.
Confession time: While I would research farther the art of lie detecting to better understand the subtle conversation the body is having while the mouth is moving, I would also study so that I could become, myself, a better liar. ;D
Come on, you know you like the idea of being a better liar, too… at least a little, right? o.0
Also, let me include the spark for this entry, another TED talk (because they are AMAZING): [TED] Pamela Meyer: How To Spot A Liar
It’s a bit long, nearly 20 minutes, but it has so much information that I think we all should hear at some point or another that I didn’t discuss here (mostly because I didn’t intent to just repeat her, but to give my insight of this topic).